First order of business: You can never go back. To be addressed later.

Second order of business: Things always seem so much clearer at night. Isn't that always the way? You drive in the dark and listen to the random middle-of-the-night radio music and suddenly some things seem so clear and you don't really know why. But I digress.

I've discovered, inadvertently it seems, one of the big reasons I tend to hold onto things that are better off let go. Mainly, people. Because it's so damn hard to start from scratch. After you've spent so much time and effort into building a relationship with someone, whether it be a friend or a significant other, when the relationship is obviously shot you keep trying to make it work and keep hoping that just maybe that person will magically come to their senses. You do this because to admit defeat, to admit that the relationship has failed, would also be admitting that you need to start over. Rebuilding can be fun, and sometimes be exactly what a person needs. But usually it's just difficult, frustrating, and time consuming. And you begin to wonder what the point is in putting your all into something if you're only going to have to start over again.

I know that personally, I'm tired of rebuilding. It seems like every time I turn around I'm having to rebuild something, whether it be my romantic life or my social life or my professional life or my housing life I'm always in the process of rebuilding. I never get to just stop and say "Okay. Here is where I belong." because something is always falling apart and I'm having to put it back together. It's a never ending cycle. The amount of times I've had to rebuild in the past year alone send my head spinning when I think about it. I just want to know that eventually it will stop. But when it does, where will I be?

I feel like I'm waiting for something. Like my life is on hold.

To address the first order of business. You can never go back. Sometimes things are broken and they just can't be fixed, no matter how much you wish it. All the thoughts and the song lyrics and the apologies in the world can't fix what's been broken and you have to realize that. You fucked up. You made the wrong choice. Maybe they did too. But you can never go back.

Now that that's been addressed, I'd also like to press upon everyone (including myself) that things are not always as they seem, yet sometimes they are EXACTLY as they seem. I'm the first to admit that when it comes to things directly involving myself, I am a pessimist. I expect the worst and I'm usually right. Yet I still let myself hold on to maybe's that turn into big disappointments. Maybe these chili cheese fries won't make me gain five pounds. Maybe my check will be bigger. Maybe when he said "You'll never lose me, no matter what." he wasn't lying. All stupid things to hope for because my highly logical brain knows that they won't be true, but I still allow myself to wish it. If your gut instinct is telling you something, listen to it; it's probably right.

Wasting time and energy wishing that someone cared when they don't is probably the stupidest thing you can do, but is also one of the hardest things to stop. I'm currently finding this out first-hand. Do as I say, not as I do. If a person wants you in their life, then they would never push you out of it. I know this, it's something I've always intoned to any person I've ever known that was experiencing something similar. But then why is it so hard for myself to grasp? Because when it's happening to you, it's different. You let your hope get in the way of your logic, which is an outrageously stupid thing to do, yet here you are. Why would you want to be a part of a person's life if they don't want you there? The answer is that you don't. After it gets to a certain point, it's not that you want to be in their life. It's that you want them to want you in their life. And what if they did? Well then I'd imagine you wouldn't be in this predicament in the first place, now would you?

It's so difficult to decipher because the human mind can be so complex. There are people who will push someone away for what they feel is "for their own good", and it's those people that make me so angry. You people give everyone else that glimmer of hope that "Maybe he/she really does care, but they're pushing me away for another reason!" No. This rarely ever happens. And, to quote that one movie, you are not a special little snowflake. 99 times out of 100, if a person tells you that they need space from you, or that they need time apart, or that the both of you need to cool it down and maybe you'll be friends again down the road, it's all ridiculous. They want you gone and don't have the courage to say so. They won't come back. They have no intention of coming back. We know this, deep down. So why do we bother to hope that we're wrong? Because no one wants to believe that they're not good enough for someone that they love.

I have lately realized that I seem to be unable to form a lasting relationship with anyone. Every friend and significant other I've ever had was always temporary. It's a strange feeling to realize that you don't have a strong footing anywhere, with anyone. It's freeing, but also very sad. This paragraph has no direction so I'll just end it here.

People lie. Life is too short to keep people in your life that hurt you. But it's also too short to let people you love walk away. So to those people who make me angry for pushing people away for their own good...stop. Let them care about you. It just might be the best chance you ever took. Everyone finds that one special person one day, that one person who will never let them go. Or, if they did, won't rest until they've fixed their mistake. It appears I've wasted too much time on people I hoped might be worth it. I really wanted you to be worth it. But sometimes you just can't hope anymore. So, one day. One day...

I've sat here for five minutes now and it appears that I have nothing more to say, so I'll end with some lyrics, because of course I am.

Love who you love with all that you have
and don't waste the time that flies so fast.
Love who you love and say that you do.
Hold on as tight as they'll let you.
♥

P.S. - Good relationships take effort. And love grows, it doesn't just show up one day. I am a good person. I'm a good lover. I'm a great friend. I am worth it. It's too bad that you* were too self-focused to realize it.

*This refers to a few people, not just one...

Another one, holy moly!

potc_lims

Sign-ups are open!

Well, I've cleaned up my LIMS Competition Status Page. I wish there was a way to get two tables next to each other, but there's not as far as I know, so whatever. I'd probably have to make it one big table, and that would not be good for my brain.

I'm now signed up for 7 LIMS competitions, two of which are still in the Sign Up mode. Here we are:
09ers_lims
fuselage_lims
hp_lims
pirate_lims
lotr_lims
psych_lims
khlims

I think I've covered all of my major fandoms. I do this because I'm bored, and the regular Icon Making Competitons (Stills comms and all that) bore me. This is more interesting. psych_lims and khlims are still in the sign up process, so if you want to compete here's your chance.

School starts a week from tomorrow. FINALLY. I'm starting to get seriously bored. FIRST HOME FOOTBALL GAME ON THURSDAY! The band is playing, so I get to go up and conduct, yay. We're doing a Green Day halftime show. It's kinda cool. As of right now we've got Holiday and American Idiot down (music, not the drill). So this should be interesting.

I just got done sleeping for 3 hours, which was really stupid, because now I won't sleep well tonight. >:|

This post is for me to organize the LIMS competitions I'm signed up for, and to update it with where the contests are, as they have different schedules. You can ignore this if you like. :)

( LIMS Competitions )

I just did a small friends cut. Abandoned journals, etc. If I deleted an active journal by accident and you want to be added back, comment here.

Now on to the communities. O.O

Ok. I need everyone's help. Anyones input would be very appreciated.

I am more than likely going to be getting my own computer in the near future. I need to know a few things, which you can answer in the poll below. This entry will be public, so direct anyone who is computer-savvy to it.

First, you all need to know some information. When I get the computer, I will be using it to hold a good amount of music, graphic resources (brushes, textures, etc.), Large programs such as Adobe Photoshop CS2 and Alias Maya 7. It will hold amounts of text documents (work, school, and personal), as well as many images (graphics for work, as well as icons and such). I will also have a few other programs on there (i.e. Audacity, Semagic, AIM, VLC Media Player, WinAmp, and Limewire, among others). My room is fairly small, so I'd have to do some major adjustments to it to fit in a desk, if getting a desktop is my answer. Now for the poll.

Poll #754851
Open to: All, detailed results viewable to: All, participants: 11

What would be better for me to do?

other

Now, in the comments, give me some tips on buying a computer. If you think I should get a laptop, show me some good ones. Same for desktops. I really need all the help I can get!

Please help out. :)